Hello ladies and gents!!!
Its been a while… a long while since I spoke to you all. And truth be told, this time almost didn’t happen.
You see, I was going to QUIT blogging and everything associated with Ever Trusting. I deactivated my Facebook page (for other reasons, but it helped me sever ties to my blog)…until about 2 weeks ago. Twitter? What’s that? That’s how long it’s been since I’ve tweeted anything. I didn’t even install the twitter app on my new phone.
Instagram?I just logged in about 2-3 weeks ago.
Yep, I was going to let it all go. And the big question is WHY? Why let something go that I’ve only been building for 4 months or so? I mean, is that enough time to determine whether or not something is working? Not at all. I never really got off the ground before deciding to throw it all away. And, when I thing about it ,it really had nothing to do with whether or not Ever Trusting was “working.”
I decided to QUIT Ever Trusting because I lost my inspiration. That place where I could go and find the silver lining. That place where I could open my Instagram page and something would fill my heart with words that I had to share, even if they came from something I heard or read elsewhere.
Ever Trusting is supposed to be my way of making a positive impact on this world. A way to help people find the light at the end of a long and dark tunnel. But, how can you help others when you can’t even help yourself? I know, not very Ever Trusting, right?
Ever Trusting and I were getting ready to break-up.
To continue posting made me feel like a fraud. And I’m no fraud, so I stopped posting. I stopped looking at my social media. I put my blog planner and notebook out of sight. The ideas stopped coming. I didn’t have anything to say.
What happened to my inspiration?
Last we spoke, I had just gotten on the path to accepting my new assignment for the 2016-2017 school year. Ninth grade English. I knew it would be a big transition moving from twelfth grade to ninth grade, but I came around to the idea of making this a new and exciting school year (If you aren’t familiar with the story read When being Ever Trusting is Difficult). I decorated my room and made all sorts of plans. I was ready…
But things have not gone the way I hoped. The first few months of the school year felt like a nightmare. As much as I would like to share every nightmarish detail, I can’t go into too much depth on a public platform.
It’s been a real struggle.
I now know what a migraine feels like after standing in the front of my room and watching my vision blur, seeing flashes of light and experiencing pain behind my eyes while reading to my class…I couldn’t see the words on the page anymore.
Never experienced that before.
I now know what it’s like to be threatened and “mistakenly” slapped ( 2 separate occasions.)
Never had those experiences in my 12 years as an educator, not even teaching in the so-called “rough” schools.
In addition to the constant headaches, were tummy troubles and a feeling of dread that seemed to follow me everywhere. Waking up with a joyful expectation for the day at hand became a thing of the past. The weekend was my new love and I often daydreamed about it to help me “make it” through.
My new mantra became “I just gotta make it until the end of the day. If I can just make it until the end of the week, I’ll be okay.”
Then it happened…
BlueHost sent an email stating that my subscription would expire December 31, 2016, at which time my website would be deleted.
Unless I renew.
I clicked the link in the email . There it was…a delete button. So many thoughts ran through my head. The negative ones were the loudest. “Okay, so maybe I should just delete it. That’s what I’ll do. It’s for the best.” I was ready to delete it. To make it go away.
But I couldn’t do it. I put a lot into the Ever Trusting blog and I have other dreams attached to this thing. And…. I paid for a blogging class too!!! The thought of scrapping it and pretending it never existed didn’t sit well with me, so I had a decision to make.
To delete or not to delete?
I decided not to delete it.
However, I must admit that I gotta dig deep at this point in my journey. One of my coworkers suggested I go back and find inspiration by re-reading my past posts. So, that’s what I did. Through my past posts I’ve been reconnecting with the part of myself that’s been dormant and it hasn’t been easy.
My work situation is still quite challenging, but I do smile and laugh much more than I did in the beginning.
I’m currently finishing my Christmas break, which I really needed. I was able to rest and work on gaining a fresh perspective about my current situation (still a work in progress). Even though the rest of the school year may turn out to be as challenging as the first half, I’m ready to face it and take Ever Trusting along for the ride.
Peace and Blessings,